Tag Archives: sarahs thoughts

I Didn’t Get Out Of Bed Today, And I Might Not Tomorrow

Trigger Warning: If you’re familiar with my blog, you know things are about to get real AF. You also know you’ll probably feel better at the end of this post than you do now when you realize you’re not alone…or maybe I’m just hoping I’m not alone. Either way, take care of yourself. 

PS: I also curse a bit…because who doesn’t?


 

I didn’t get out of bed today, and I might not tomorrow. I might not the day after tomorrow either, and I’m trying to be okay with that.

I’m being slightly dramatic, since obviously I went to the bathroom and the fridge, then wound up on the couch wrapped in blankets with my laptop…but the feelings are the same.

When I first considered writing this post a few weeks ago, I was going to wait until I was “all better”. Until I was out on the other side, after I’d already reached the bottom and climbed my way up to the top. Because I will be up on my feet again…eventually. That’s how living the last two decades with Major Depressive Disorder works.

For a while, everything is okay. It’s tolerable, and some days, it’s even amazing. You’re happy and chill and things seem like they finally have all worked out. And you’ve earned it because you’ve been there, you’ve been at the bottom, you’ve gone through the worst, and you’ve paid your dues. This is your moment. This is what you were striving for during all those tears. It’s delicious and intoxicating…but it’s also fleeting.

Next come the days that aren’t so great, but not horrible, and that’s okay because it’s still not a depressive episode. It’s still tolerable, and you’re still managing your life.

But even that melts down over a few weeks, or months, or years that are hard. Really fucking hard. Your defenses are knocked down and one day, you just can’t put them back up again.

A little over a year ago, my walls started crumbling. My life suddenly didn’t look anything like I’d anticipated, or wanted. But I’m a strong woman–really damn strong, actually.

So, I powered through and tried to keep a smile on my face, and humor in my words.

I powered through a car accident. Through a miscarriage, then another, then another. I powered through losing people I loved, supports I’d come to depend on, and even the very basics of life–my home, my car, my income, my finances. I powered through losing my freedom, my weekends, or even remembering what a full fridge looks like.

Because I’m a strong woman, I powered through.

And then one day, I didn’t. My walls fell for the last time, and I scrambled like hell to find a way to build them back up, but found myself empty-handed.

I had nothing left.

I know the exact second it happened a little over a month ago now. I remember the feeling…one second I was there, then the next second I wasn’t. There was no specific trigger or reason or traumatic event that deserved this.

I’d  given the very last of what I had, and now I was empty.
It was that simple. It was that fast.

I knew my next depressive episode had started…but no one else did. How could they? I still went through the motions, and met the bare minimums, and smiled when people asked how I was doing. Only my agent saw the pages I wasn’t turning in or the phone calls I wasn’t answering. Only my husband saw the daily tears, or found me  crying curled on the shower floor unable to stand. Only my closest friends saw the emptiness in my eyes and probed further. Only I felt the physical pain of seemingly unbearable heartache throbbing in my chest.

People continued to love and laugh with my online posts or pictures, because they didn’t see that things had changed. I didn’t let them see. They cheered me on, and a few women have even told me they wish they were just like me. I’d smile and laugh it off, because they didn’t really know what they were asking for.

Sometimes I wish I was like the me they saw, too. But it felt like a lie….how could anyone want to be me?

I don’t want to be me.

They just love the online me. They think I’m great because they see the me who’s smiling and tells funny stories and writes sexy books and is always there to help other authors when they need it and so much more.

But that me…is me. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that I am both. I am all of those parts put together, and how could I want anything else?

I can be the woman laughing about a silly encounter with a stranger at the local coffee shop and the woman who feels everything is falling apart and she doesn’t know how to put it back together. I can be the author who helps her friends with their books and the author who didn’t write any words today because depression stole her motivation. I can be the happy fur-mom who posts a thousand pictures of her dogs and the almost-mom who’s lost three babies before she ever could hold them and tell them just how much I’ll always love them.

I can be both, and all of the above, because humans are so many puzzle pieces mashed together and it doesn’t always fit. The picture is sometimes blurry, but it’s all still me. I’m still me.

Someone told me once that I should always be striving to be my best self. Fuck that noise. 

My best self is a full life, and that has to mean I won’t always be at “my best.” There will be tears. There will be grief and sadness and anger and hatred and an ache that feels it may never go away. And that’s okay, because my best self is also joy and love and kindness and celebration and everything else combined.

I’m choosing to live my full life, not my best life. To accept the down days and celebrate the happy ones. To appreciate the laughter because I’ve been best friends with the tears. To mope in self-pity where everything is horrible because the world is vicious and at the same time, be overwhelmed at the genuine kindness of strangers who only wanted to remind me this world can be so wholly beautiful.

My full life is wonderful and painful and joyful and devastating.

I am a strong woman…even when I’m not. I am kind, and loving, and difficult, but worth the trouble. I am all the things people tell me I am even when I don’t believe them. And in the same breath, I’m in so much pain that every breath feels like a question.

But, one day I won’t be. One day, I’ll smile and feel it in my chest, in the beat of my heart, and the lightness in my soul.

But not today. And maybe not tomorrow.
And that’s okay. That’s a full life. 


Author’s Note: If you’re someone struggling with depression or feelings of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also text the Crisis Text Line if you need someone to talk to in a non-life threatening crisis by texting START to 741-741. Please seek help if you need it. You are strong. You are brave. You deserve to be here. 

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People Are More Important.

Trigger Warnings: Yay or Nay?

When you choose to be a public figure of any kind, including being an author, you’re choosing to bare a greater responsibility than most. With the privilege, power, and luxuries afforded to you in your position, there’s also an expectation that you’ll use those for the benefit of your followers or readers, or at the very least, not to the readers detriment.
 
This attitude of “I’ll write what I’ll write, no warning, readers be damned” has always shocked me. Write whatever you want–there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s what journals are for, or letters, or private blogs, or whatever you’d like to write to help you purge those stories from your soul.
 
Publishing, however, is an entirely different matter and not as cut and dry. Publishing is not a right. It’s not without its rules, as most retailer’s terms and conditions will attest to. And there’s a reason for that.
 
Your words matter. They affect people. Positive, and negatively. God forbid our words hurt a reader irreparably…would it have been worth it? Or would you wish you’d taken the time to put in a small sentence in your blurb giving those struggling a heads up? Would the potential minuscule spoiler for the masses be worth that one person’s life? To me, the choice seems clear, and yes, I feel that strongly about it.
 
While you can never write to please everyone, there is a basic level of respect and care for your readership that should be bare minimum. Write anything you want, however you want, and go ahead and publish it, if that’s what you want. But keep in mind that by publishing a book, you do have a responsibility to properly identify its content. Television shows, video games, news articles, allergies on foods, and the list can go on and on and on for other medias and fields that already do this, so why should books be exempt? It’s not a perfect system, and people will still fall through the cracks, but that doesn’t mean we don’t try.
 
It doesn’t have to be blatant, or spoil the story–it could just be vague enough to give a nod to those who struggle with triggering topics to make them do further research into exactly how triggering it may be. There are so many different ways to do this based on the author’s preference, like a small sentence disclaimer, a more specific blurb, a properly categorized genre, etc. This doesn’t harm the story, or censor the author, and so there’s no reason not to do it.
 
That may not be the popular opinion on social media today, but it’s certainly my belief.
 
Writing is important. Publishing is important.
People are more important.
 
EDITED TO ADD: This is not targeted at a specific book or author. I genuinely believe this applies to all books with relative content.

[This post was originally published on Sarah’s Facebook profile here. Please follow her there (or on her page) for the most up to date information. For book information, please subscribe to her newsletter here.]

Image Credit: http://soshable.com/its-the-people-behind-the-numbers-on-social-media-that-matter-most/people-matter-in-social-media-4/

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Writer’s Tip: Set Easy, Random Goals in Vibrant Colors

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For all the writer’s out there:

Set little, random word count goals for yourself with little treats and rewards along the way. I learned this trick from Rachel Hollis’ Snapchat, and it makes me so productive! I love it, and get in so many more words every day because of it! 😀

Also, I got this notebook at Staples or Office Depot, who knows, and it’s the brand Poppin (no, not a paid endorsement). I also have their pens, paperclips, and other random office supplies from them and I love it. Why? Vibrant colors! I need it for my creativity, and it works wonders.

So, go out to your local office supplies store and buy a notebook that speaks to you and makes you feel excited–be vain about it! Then come home and write all the damn words.

EDIT (9/1/16): I still do this today and it’s helped me write 3 books in the last 5 months! I’m unbelievably more productive, and loving it! 


[This post was originally published on Sarah’s Facebook profile here. Please follow her there (or on her page) for the most up to date information. For book information, please subscribe to her newsletter here.]

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