Trigger Warning: If you’re familiar with my blog, you know things are about to get real AF. You also know you’ll probably feel better at the end of this post than you do now when you realize you’re not alone…or maybe I’m just hoping I’m not alone. Either way, take care of yourself.
PS: I also curse a bit…because who doesn’t?
I didn’t get out of bed today, and I might not tomorrow. I might not the day after tomorrow either, and I’m trying to be okay with that.
I’m being slightly dramatic, since obviously I went to the bathroom and the fridge, then wound up on the couch wrapped in blankets with my laptop…but the feelings are the same.
When I first considered writing this post a few weeks ago, I was going to wait until I was “all better”. Until I was out on the other side, after I’d already reached the bottom and climbed my way up to the top. Because I will be up on my feet again…eventually. That’s how living the last two decades with Major Depressive Disorder works.
For a while, everything is okay. It’s tolerable, and some days, it’s even amazing. You’re happy and chill and things seem like they finally have all worked out. And you’ve earned it because you’ve been there, you’ve been at the bottom, you’ve gone through the worst, and you’ve paid your dues. This is your moment. This is what you were striving for during all those tears. It’s delicious and intoxicating…but it’s also fleeting.
Next come the days that aren’t so great, but not horrible, and that’s okay because it’s still not a depressive episode. It’s still tolerable, and you’re still managing your life.
But even that melts down over a few weeks, or months, or years that are hard. Really fucking hard. Your defenses are knocked down and one day, you just can’t put them back up again.
A little over a year ago, my walls started crumbling. My life suddenly didn’t look anything like I’d anticipated, or wanted. But I’m a strong woman–really damn strong, actually.
So, I powered through and tried to keep a smile on my face, and humor in my words.
I powered through a car accident. Through a miscarriage, then another, then another. I powered through losing people I loved, supports I’d come to depend on, and even the very basics of life–my home, my car, my income, my finances. I powered through losing my freedom, my weekends, or even remembering what a full fridge looks like.
Because I’m a strong woman, I powered through.
And then one day, I didn’t. My walls fell for the last time, and I scrambled like hell to find a way to build them back up, but found myself empty-handed.
I had nothing left.
I know the exact second it happened a little over a month ago now. I remember the feeling…one second I was there, then the next second I wasn’t. There was no specific trigger or reason or traumatic event that deserved this.
I’d given the very last of what I had, and now I was empty.
It was that simple. It was that fast.
I knew my next depressive episode had started…but no one else did. How could they? I still went through the motions, and met the bare minimums, and smiled when people asked how I was doing. Only my agent saw the pages I wasn’t turning in or the phone calls I wasn’t answering. Only my husband saw the daily tears, or found me crying curled on the shower floor unable to stand. Only my closest friends saw the emptiness in my eyes and probed further. Only I felt the physical pain of seemingly unbearable heartache throbbing in my chest.
People continued to love and laugh with my online posts or pictures, because they didn’t see that things had changed. I didn’t let them see. They cheered me on, and a few women have even told me they wish they were just like me. I’d smile and laugh it off, because they didn’t really know what they were asking for.
Sometimes I wish I was like the me they saw, too. But it felt like a lie….how could anyone want to be me?
I don’t want to be me.
They just love the online me. They think I’m great because they see the me who’s smiling and tells funny stories and writes sexy books and is always there to help other authors when they need it and so much more.
But that me…is me. Somewhere along the way, I forgot that I am both. I am all of those parts put together, and how could I want anything else?
I can be the woman laughing about a silly encounter with a stranger at the local coffee shop and the woman who feels everything is falling apart and she doesn’t know how to put it back together. I can be the author who helps her friends with their books and the author who didn’t write any words today because depression stole her motivation. I can be the happy fur-mom who posts a thousand pictures of her dogs and the almost-mom who’s lost three babies before she ever could hold them and tell them just how much I’ll always love them.
I can be both, and all of the above, because humans are so many puzzle pieces mashed together and it doesn’t always fit. The picture is sometimes blurry, but it’s all still me. I’m still me.
Someone told me once that I should always be striving to be my best self. Fuck that noise.
My best self is a full life, and that has to mean I won’t always be at “my best.” There will be tears. There will be grief and sadness and anger and hatred and an ache that feels it may never go away. And that’s okay, because my best self is also joy and love and kindness and celebration and everything else combined.
I’m choosing to live my full life, not my best life. To accept the down days and celebrate the happy ones. To appreciate the laughter because I’ve been best friends with the tears. To mope in self-pity where everything is horrible because the world is vicious and at the same time, be overwhelmed at the genuine kindness of strangers who only wanted to remind me this world can be so wholly beautiful.
My full life is wonderful and painful and joyful and devastating.
I am a strong woman…even when I’m not. I am kind, and loving, and difficult, but worth the trouble. I am all the things people tell me I am even when I don’t believe them. And in the same breath, I’m in so much pain that every breath feels like a question.
But, one day I won’t be. One day, I’ll smile and feel it in my chest, in the beat of my heart, and the lightness in my soul.
But not today. And maybe not tomorrow.
And that’s okay. That’s a full life.
Author’s Note: If you’re someone struggling with depression or feelings of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also text the Crisis Text Line if you need someone to talk to in a non-life threatening crisis by texting START to 741-741. Please seek help if you need it. You are strong. You are brave. You deserve to be here.
I love you and your words.
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. I’m going to save this blog to refer to, because I know I’ll need it again.
I’m on a level before you, because of the age-disparity, but my 21 year old daughter is in a place neither of us can comprehend. I’m so thankful you can understand, and I’m happy you’ve been able to hold out as long as you have. Do you ever wonder why women’s depression has become more and more prevalent? I do. I wonder if the reason is because of women’s lib, or rights, or whatever, OR if it’s because we re being molded to feel this way. As a strong woman, I’m tending to lean toward being blinded by conspiracy, but I’ve got no clue. I hope you figure it out. Xo
I don’t think women’s depression is more prevalent at all. I just think we’re talking about it more, when previously, women were silenced and told not to air their “dirty laundry”. I think it’s always been there, and now we’re just realizing it’s not just us. That’s a good thing.
I love you Sarah. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I have felt this way before, because I have anxiety and depression. You coming forward and telling your story shows that you are a super strong woman. You have been through so much, and I applaud your strength to keep moving forward. I’m always here if you need someone to listen. ❤️💙💚💙💜
Thank you, Michelle!
Sarah you are amazing, and extremely brave for putting all of this out there! I wish I could hug you right now! I cannot fathom what you’ve been through; however, I’ll be here for you in the future as a fan and a friend. You are NOT alone!
That is so kind! Thank you!
Your a truly amazing lady. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for years. I’ve tried combinations of meds and things like yoga and meditating. Something’s work for a little while then your stable gets knocked off kilter. Your not alone and your choice to voice helps others know that it’s a real debilitating disease and your helping to put a face on it. Sending virtual hugs your way.
Sending virtual hugs your way too!
I’ve dealt with depression since I was 16. I know the ups and downs, the highs and lows. I can relate all to well. Thank you for spreading awareness. There are days and weeks I don’t leave the house, answer calls or texts because people always want to know what’s wrong but even I can’t explain it.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🙁
Thanks for sharing! It helped me know I’m not alone,even though at the same time I wish you didn’t have to experience this. My mood has been eradic lately so I don’t know if it’s bc of that or just your words,they made me feel both encouraged and saddened.
Thank you so much for this <3
Thank you for writing this. This is me every day. To the point that my 23 year old son has had to more or less give up his life to take care of me. He makes sure I get up every day, eat, shower and take my medication. He has to be in charge of my meds because at times I try to swallow the whole lot to make this feeling of uselessness go away and to give him back his life.
I have good days, ok days and black days. Never great days. Sometimes the black days turn into black weeks. Where it takes all my efforts to just breathe, let alone go out and be sociable. When it’s like this I hate myself for thinking the thoughts I do. I see a tree and wonder if I drove at it at full speed would it be enough to kill me? Or would that branch hold my weight if I threw a rope over it? Suicide runs through my mind at least a couple of times a day and that’s on a good day. Everyday I get up and look at the photos in my room. The photos of my two sons, photos of my two grandchildren and photos of my nephews and niece. This is what gives me light at the end of the darkest tunnels. I just try to live each day as it comes and to the fullest I can at that time.
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I hope things get better, and I hope you’ll reach out to counselors or other people in a position to help you through this. Praying for you!
Thank you Sarah. I have a wonderful psychologist and doctor. I also have great family and friends. But sometimes I think they must think I’m acting or crazy. It’s hard for people to understand when they haven’t had to deal with this personally or had a family member or someone close go through it. I hope you have more wonderful days than bad days. Thanks for being so open about your struggles. ❤️❤️
Thank you for the same!
I hate feeling this way. I feel as if I wear so many masks that even I no longer know which one is my true face.
I admire your strength, Sarah and your willingness to share your story with everyone. Just know that you are not alone and you are definitely not the only one who has felt this way. I hope you feel better and I really hope you have a good support system behind you.
Thank you so much!
You’re an inspiration. Thank you for this, and your amazingly written books.
Sarah you are a gift from God you are strong you will get through this. it may take a while but it will get easier just take it one day at a time don’t let depression beat you..,you beat depression and just remember people care about you. Thank you for sharing your storey believe it or not your words inspire me to try to believe in myself. Trust in God I’ll pray for your well being and I’m not even religious but I do believe in God I hope this comment brightens your mood just a little.
Thank you, Rebecca!
Sarah,
This post takes a lot of courage to write and press “send” – to actually put this out there and let the world know the real you and not just the “online” you. Do we really know who people really are online? Yes? No? Maybe? Like you said, we’re both – we can be the happy, helpful, and fun-loving person online but we are also the person in excruciating pain too offline. Do people realize that when they type their caddy comments or their nasty reviews? Do people realize that when they show off their relationships with this NYTBS author and this ARC from OMG and this picture of a night out with someone deemed “Most Popular” and how they became BFF’s with them or something so superficial, I think you get my point lol, I have learned in my years of just being in the Indie Online World that there are so many fakes or half-truths (that’s what I’ll call them). I truly believe that we are all here in this romance world because each one of us has something in our real lives that we are missing – some worse or much worse than others. This is our escape. This is why authors write and readers read. And then there’s the extreme, us, we’re trapped – you can’t write, I can’t talk to anyone vocally, face to face, I want no contact with even the people who I love and love me and I don’t want that but that’s just where I am in my own mind. Yes, I will stay in bed today, I’ve had migraines for 2 years and have had 8 neurologists, regardless, I do believe that I will get through this too.
You are so not alone. It’s shocking knowing how many of “us” there are as opposed to feeling like we’re alone in the world. I’m so sick of medication but one day and soon I will conjure my strength and get up and live! People say “life’s too short” and I agree 110% but to a seriously depressed individual that phrase is so much easier said and not many understand us and how our brains can function the way they do. If you asked me 10 years ago if this would be me I’d laugh in your face because I’ve heard of the “me’s & you’s” then but never thought I’d become one. TADA! Anyways just know this, thank you for purging and posting this blog post because it does help and I will pray that your day to rise will come fast!
You are wonderful. You broke my heart. You touched my heart. You are an inspiration. YOU ARE REAL!
Thank you so much, Autumn. That is so kind to say. Hugs!
Thank you for having the courage to write about your depression battle. I have been battling depression on and off for as long as I can remember. No one understand unless they have been there themselves
I totally relate to this.