[This post originally started as an open discussion in my Robinson’s Ramblings Reader Group on Facebook. To see further expansion on the topic, join my tribe of bad ass women here!]
Since foraying into the dating world after my separation and upcoming divorce, I’ve realized a few things about myself that I didn’t even know I needed to realize. There are a lot of women in my reader group who read about my dating stories, funny experiences, sexy sessions, and more. I’m pretty open about my misadventures in dating these days and it’s cathartic and fun!
However, I discovered that out of the thousands in that group, there are many women who may not have a lot of dating experience, or who struggle with self-esteem that directly affects how much dating they choose to do. Watching me go through my dating experiences might mean something different to these women, and I want to explain where I’m coming from and how I hope watching me go through this can inspire you all to do the same.
When I was in high school, I was almost 350lbs. No one dated me, and no guy even looked at me except to bully me. People literally threw things at me, beat me up. I ate lunch in the bathroom most days, or pretended I was sick and stayed in the nurse’s office. I actually failed 10th grade because I skipped so much school because I was so afraid of what people would do or say to me that day. I failed my SAT’s because the day before I told a cute drummer I liked him and he responded with “sorry, I don’t date fat girls.” Sitting next to him the next day to take the test…yeah, it didn’t work out well for me.
I hated myself and took it out on the people around me, and on myself. I was bitchy and a bully to my siblings and the few friends I’d managed to convince to like me for a few minutes. I was the meanest of all to myself. My self-esteem was lower than low. It’s something that takes a toll on you forever. Those memories will always be a part of me, and they’ll always be a part of my story.
When I got to college, I began to try and figure out who I was and I lost a ton of weight. I was suddenly happy for the first time with who I was…except, I wasn’t at all. It was a mess. First, I gave myself to a ton of men who just wanted me for sex. That only made me hate myself more. Not because I was having sex, but because I was having sex for the wrong reasons. I was doing it to make them love me–to make me feel loved and to love myself. I was doing it to see something different in the mirror than “the fat girl” who wasn’t even fat anymore.
But I still saw her. I still saw that girl I hated, and I looked to everyone else to convince me that she didn’t exist. That was never going to happen until I decided to stop, take a look inside, and learn to love me for who I was inside. For my heart, my virtues, the pieces of me that make me…me. I’d hated myself at every weight I’d ever been, and that’s when I realized that it had absolutely nothing to do with a scale.
Over the course of many years and many therapists, I finally learned to do that. Today, I’m still overweight by plenty. The skinnier version of me from college is long gone, but for the first time, I love the way I look. I don’t look in the mirror and cringe. I can’t even remember the last time I felt that way. Instead, I notice all the great things about my appearance and that I’m beautiful just the way I am.
I love myself just the way I am.
There will always be a piece of me that still feels a twinge of “ugh” when I look at the scale or in the mirror, but then I push that thought away and remind myself of how much I love me and the way I look. Those thoughts are natural.
Sometimes I take a pretty selfie to give myself a confidence boost, or just put my hands on my hips and stare at myself with a smile and say “damn, bitch, you fine as hell,” but either way, I don’t guilt myself for those negative thoughts. I just accept that sometimes I’ll feel bad about my weight and that’s okay, but then I make the choice to push that away and pull in the positivity instead.
That’s a choice I make every day. It’s a choice we all need to make every day because everyone has something about them that they love.
Finding that self-love brought me back to the dating scene after my divorce, and it’s made me feel comfortable to go out and get what I want. To go out and have sex with a guy for the right reasons–ORGASMS and love and all that shit. To go out and fall for cute guys who may not work out but who I enjoyed my moment with. To have the confidence to fall into bed with someone and not worry about what I may look like at this angle or that angle or with the lights on, and instead just tell him exactly what I want right now and where his hands need to be…like, now. 😉
Being comfortable with myself and loving myself changed everything. There are still men out there who think I’m too fat to date, and fuck those guys. They’re missing out over there in Shallow Hall because I’m fucking amazing to date and even better in bed. But the majority of men I meet don’t even see or factor in my weight because I never hide behind it anymore.
I’m just confident and honestly, unabashedly myself, and men fall for that. I fall for that. Humans love humans who love their own humanity. This may sound arrogant, but if you follow my reader group then you’ve seen that I put everything out there from the get-go and am just myself–the guy either likes it or he doesn’t and I’m moving on the next day.
But my weight? That’s never part of the equation because it’s not part of how I see myself anymore.
When I define myself now, I’m not the “fat girl.” I’m the girl who is a good friend and loves to laugh and make others laugh, who loves with all her heart, and who believes the best in everyone. I’m the girl who falls hard and fast and gives everything she has to others and is unapologetically in love with love and life.
Defining myself as the fat girl? That’ll never be me again. Allowing people in my life who define me as the fat girl? Get the fuck outta here with that shit. #bye
If you’re someone who struggles with weight or self-esteem or lack of dating experience, find that part of yourself that you love and fall in love with yourself. The dating will follow–for the right reasons and the best orgasms.
You just have to do the work on you first, and that work has nothing to do with a scale, or a mirror, or list of men you wish you’d dated. Fall in love with you, because that’s the most important relationship you’ll ever be in.
The right guy? Well, he’s going to love that about you.
I love that about you.
