Apparently, the weekend has started early since I’ve already flashed someone my entire chest. At the vet. In the middle of Petsmart. Which lead to a full scale building lockdown.
I’ll explain.
I had to take Larry, my dog, to get his anal glands expressed this morning (as I have to do every week due to his constantly infected bumhole, which is both a physical thing and a metaphor for his personality). Larry gets so nervous when we go to the vet that he bounces straight up and down a foot in the air the entire time.
Have you ever met a Jack Russell Terrier? That’s all they do.
Bounce, bounce, bounce.
So as I’m talking to the vet at the front desk, Larry bounces up again and grabs the edge of my coat. Yanks it. I shoo him away. Stop being an asshole, Larry. He does it again. This time ripping the sleeve of my coat. Now I’m irritated and pull my hands out of his reach. Doctor laughs and says, oh that silly dog. I try to laugh, but I’m a bit mad at my ripped coat now.
Larry’s still bouncing. Up, down, up, down. Now he can’t yank on my coat sleeve anymore, so this time on his next bounce up, he bites the hem of the front of my shirt and brings it straight down to the ground with him.
In case you didn’t know, I’m a bit well endowed up top. If you yank down my shirt, those suckers come flying out of my top like they just escaped from Alcatraz. Suddenly the cold air is on my nips and the doctor is no longer laughing. I’m no longer laughing. I’m pretty sure I’ve died. Everything goes slow motion as I look down at my bouncing ta-tas outside my shirt, and Larry’s asshole face smiling up at me from the ground.
In my haste to cover myself, I drop the leash. I’ve got more important things to hold at the moment. But as I’m re-imprisoning the escaped convicts into my shirt, Larry seizes the opportunity to bolt for the door.
Now, here’s a fun fact.
Did you know when there is a loose pet in Petsmart, the store goes on lockdown? The front doors slam shut. A red light and siren go off. The PA system repeats “Loose Pet” until the alert is called off. Every single person in the store looks at you and knows you’ve done this.
So, Larry is recaptured.
The alarm is called off.
My dignity is gone.
His anal glands were expressed.
And I cried in the car.
#RobinsonRamblings for the win!
PS: It’s okay to laugh. I’m laughing. Now.
[This post was originally published on Sarah’s Facebook page here. Follow her there for more up to date info!]
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